Being moved (Erin Jean Warde)

Given the past few years, the numbing effect of deep depression, how I’ve almost HAD to numb myself a little to cope with the reality of the world around me… it was a joy to simply *be moved.*

Being Moved

I’ve spoken much over the past almost 2 years about the grief I’ve been holding and the natural depression that can accompany deep losses.  The good news is that I am starting to feel this depression lift.  The interesting thing is, I’m noticing the lift in subtle, quiet ways. 

For one, a few of my long time dreams and visions of how I want to offer space and care are coming into their fruition *ahem—Chaos Land—ahem* (… plus some other things I haven’t even shared yet!) Because you know how when you’re depressed, you’ll have tons of ideas, but you just… can’t make them happen?  It’s not your fault, not my fault, there’s just something in the depression that can render us sedentary, even though we might wish to be moving. 

So I noticed the movement forward… and knew it was progress.  I could tell, in the way I believe God speaks to me, that I was starting to heal.

On Sunday, I was—to use anthropologically correct terms—a hot mess.  I’ve been dealing with migraines, so I didn’t sleep as well as I’d like, but thankfully got up in enough time to get ready and make it to 11am worship.  I only drank half my morning coffee, because I spilled the rest.  I didn’t have time to wash my hair, so I pulled it together with a curling iron, dry shampoo, hairspray, and a prayer for mercy.  I hit every single red light.  

As I was sitting at one of those red lights, I started feeling a little bit of a headache, which is really anxiety inducing for me, because I have chronic migraines.  My saving grace was that I found TWO MISMATCHED PURSE TYLENOL (one hamburger bun, one hot dog bun lol FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY PURSE) and took them with an old water bottle I found in my car. Ick.

HOT MESS. 

I walked in and the sanctuary felt hot, kinda stuffy to me.  Hot and stuffy is a huge no go for me. Hot. Mess. 

A quick aside about me: I have sensory issues with stuffy spaces. When I was a child, I almost died of drowning. I don’t remember the experience exactly, as I was a toddler, but I have this core memory of how it feels to try to take a deep breath underwater.  Something about being in stuffy spaces evokes that trauma, because it feels like trying to take a deep, fresh breath but instead being met with a section of time and space that is thick and dense. The opposite of good air.  So, when I say I struggle in stuffy spaces, it’s not just a weird preference. It makes me anxious; I really struggle. I will leave a room if it’s too stuffy.  This also shows up in claustrophobia; they feel kinda linked for me. 

So I walked in, and it was hot.  Not good. But it wasn’t *too* hot.  I wasn’t immediately like, “yeah I’m out.”  I waited.  I waved my face with the bulletin. And I sat close enough to the door that if I really had to call it, I could.

Thankfully, things got better.  It cooled down a bit. 

Then, I got confused about the bulletin.  I even checked the date to make sure I didn’t get an old bulletin, but I hadn’t.  You know how sometimes you just have a day when everything feels like it’s 3 inches to the left?  But to your detriment?  That was how my Sunday was feeling. 

But then, right at the very end of communion, something caught my eye.  We were singing the closing hymn as one of the priests and a chalice bearer came down from the altar space toward someone in the congregation.  The elderly man in a wheelchair raised his hands up, one atop the other, to receive the body of Christ, bread of heaven, and the blood of Christ, the cup of salvation. 

I began to cry, caught off guard by the tears.  As a priest, I’ve done this many times. It’s one of my favorite things to do! I love walking out, smiling at them, helping them receive the sacrament, showing them they are beloved. So, after doing this for so long, again, I was caught off guard by the tears.  

But I’m so, so grateful for the blessing of being caught off guard with emotion. 

Given the past few years, the numbing effect of deep depression, not to mention how I’ve almost HAD to numb myself a little bit to cope with the reality of the world around me… it was a profound joy to simply *be moved.* To feel myself break open a little bit.  To feel my soul moved to tears by the simple fact I’ve preached for as long as I’ve been given the chance: We are all beloved by God & if you can’t make it to God, we will try to bring God to you. 

It was another sign of my depression lifting, because I wasn’t numb to the beauty of God. No, I was very present to the beauty of God. I know God is always with me, but being present to the beauty of God is different. I could see God’s mercy being given and being received. If his hands, one atop another, could receive such beauty, maybe my open hands received it, too.

So today I pray that you—in whatever way you might understand soul, spirit, and God—feel the blessing of simply being moved, of opening up, even just a little bit. That you might feel the gift of tears on your face, each one signaling that you are alive. 

With love & care,
EJW (your Chaos Chaplain <3)

SOBER OCTOBER WITH SSFM

I would love for you to join me as I lead a Sober October group for the Stevenson School for Ministry!

Join the Rev. Erin Jean Warde in a 5-week study of her book, Sober Spirituality: The Joy of a Mindful Relationship with Alcohol. In this course, you’ll explore how alcohol affects us in mind, body, and soul, such that you will be encouraged to get prayerfully curious about how drinking shows up in your life, while trusting how the Spirit leads you into answering the question: How do I want to be in relationship with alcohol? This course will engage communal spiritual reflection and act as a support to those who are participating in "Sober October," those who are sober, and/or those who are questioning their drinking.

This book study will meet for one hour weekly on Zoom from October 1 to 29, 2 to 3 p.m. Eastern. I would love to welcome you to the group!

Welcome to CHAOS LAND

It’s Chaos Land, because it’s a place where we love you for your chaos, not despite it.

Because your chaos is real. It is your life. It is my life, too.

We also might love our chaos — chaos can be fun! — so we get to celebrate our chaos, too.

We get to honor the complexities of who we are, mind, body, and soul. Some of that will be fun, some of that will be hard, some of that will need grounding, and some of our chaos might even be invitational.

What if we embraced it? Or at least leaned into it?

What if embracing our chaos within community helped us navigate it better than thinking we could “fix it”?

What if you could hurl things into the main, to receive love, compassion, and maybe most importantly: laughter, in return?

Free subscribers 

• If you’re here, you’re in Chaos Land with me, EJW—your Chaos Chaplain.

• I’ll be sharing all about my chaos, and holding space for yours, every week in my newsletter.

• Feel free to share in the comments anytime you’d like! I love hearing from you. <3

Paid Subscribers

• You’ll have access to paid posts (you’ll receive them just like you do this e-mail) that invite you to chat & share with the community.

• You’ll also have access to live calls via Zoom.

• Book club! And with a Zoom call to discuss. 

• In September I’ll be offering a link to sign up for a 20 minute 1:1 chat with me, if you’re in the paid community. I’d like to get to know you!

• Miscellaneous fun events we might have (movie night? random threads? seasonal chats?)

• Voice memos & video reflections as per my ADHD lol

Welcome to Chaos Land. You’re in it. Become a paid subscriber to go further into the spiral. <3

Coaching

As the new academic year starts, there’s just a LOT going on, a marked uptick after what might have felt like relaxing summer months. If you’re moving into this fall semester and hoping to change your relationship with alcohol, I’d love to work with you as your recovery coach. This is for anyone who wants to change their relationship with alcohol, whether that’s cutting back, quitting completely, or maintaining sobriety.

Not wanting to focus specifically on alcohol, but want support finding positive coping tools? Feeling stuck in habits you’d like to change? I’d love to support you as you find great coping tools. <3

Spiritual Direction

If you’re seeking long term spiritual support, I’d love to hold space for you as your spiritual director. Supporting people in their spiritual lives is one of the deep joys of my life. I have supported people spiritually through deconstruction, daily life, seminary, grief, the big questions of life, the ordination process, sobriety, and more. I’m also LGBTQIA+ inclusive. If you’re hoping for a companion along the way, I’d love to be a companion to you, as your spiritual director.