feeling festive: how to care for yourself & host during the holidays (erin jean warde)
This week I did the math and realized my Thanksgiving plans begin in like, a few weeks? Like I have… 2 weeks as of today? I am, as the youth say, shook.
This week I did the math and realized my Thanksgiving plans begin in like, a few weeks? Like I have… 2 weeks as of today? I am, as the youth say, shook.
Pivoting into the holidays can be evocative (to say the least), especially as someone in recovery, and as someone who helps support people with their coping.
So today, below I’m sharing a holiday blog I wrote years ago, because it’s still relevant, and I hope it might be helpful for you. (Yes I know Clark Griswold is from a Christmas movie, but the wisdom still stands, regardless of which holidays you observe…)
Note: If you think this might be helpful for someone you know, or your community, please share it! You can forward this email, post it on socials, or both. This post is open to everyone, as an attempt to offer some care. <3
But, before I dive into it, a word about coaching…
coach with me
You, too, might feel a bit shocked by the swiftly approaching holidays, and you, too, might find them evocative for a variety of reasons.
If you’re trying to figure out how to cope with holiday stress in a way that feels more loving toward yourself, I’d love to work with you.
If you sign up this week, we have time to meet before the fall holidays, to talk through your upcoming holiday situation. We can make sure you feel supported and prepared as you go into it. We can then meet after, to talk about the stressors that came up. This allows us to learn from the experience and find supportive coping mechanisms that are catered to your life.
Maybe you’re trying to stay sober, or maybe you just want to drink less, or maybe you just know your drinking can get out of hand when the holidays are here (I know that feeling). No matter where you are with it, if you want some support and would like a coach, I’d love to work with you. <3
feeling festive: how to care for yourself & host during the holidays
Every year I work with clients to help them through the holidays. My clients aren’t necessarily sober, some of them are just trying to drink differently. Many (sober and not sober alike) show up asking for support and tips on how to make it through the holiday season inside their integrity. Even the people I work with who feel incredibly close to their families often feel overwhelmed by the logistical challenges in front of them, among other stressors that pre-existed the supposed “most wonderful time of the year.” Don’t get me wrong, I actually love the holidays! But whether we like it or not, this season can be busy, financially stressful, include exhausting travel, and bring up myriad internal messages that might feel triggering. And all of that is true even if we aren’t in recovery or even if we aren’t trying to be more mindful about how we drink. If you add in the every day stressors of recovery, plus the unique stressors of trying to stay sober during a time when almost every party has tons of booze, it can be one of the most difficult times of the year for people in recovery, even if what we want is to enjoy it like everyone else.
When I talk to people and they get frustrated that they aren’t more joyful during the holidays, I encourage them to remember that many of us struggle during this season, so you are not alone. Even if it is our favorite part of the year (and for me I would say it is!) the challenges don’t go away. I encourage all of us to manage expectations, give ourselves tools for support, and try to deal compassionately with our inner Clark Griswold.
For this blog, I’ll be sharing on a few different topics, which I hope will support you whether you’re trying to change your relationship with alcohol, are sober, just need some self-care inspiration, or if you desire to be hospitable to people who aren’t drinking during the holidays this year. This blog includes:
Tips on how to host for the holidays with compassion for people who don’t drink or who are drinking mindfully
How to care for yourself if you’re staying sober
How to stay mindful about alcohol if you’re drinking during the holidays
HOSTING DURING THE HOLIDAYS
Be especially mindful of people who aren’t drinking this year.
I encourage you to take a minute to become more mindful of people who aren’t drinking this year. There are many reasons people might not be drinking. They might be: sober, trying to change their relationship with alcohol, pregnant and not ready to talk about it, taking medicine that interacts poorly with alcohol (very common with mental health meds), struggling with depression and not wanting to drink a depressant, dealing with a chronic illness in which pain is exacerbated through alcohol use, trying to sleep better, or… just not drinking tonight, and more. Just thinking through all the many reasons why a person might not want to drink will, I trust, bring more compassion to your hosting.Make everything self-serve.
This might sound wild, but hear me out. It’s entirely possible that there are people in your life who are trying to quit drinking and they might be the earliest, most tender days of sobriety when they come to your home. They might not be ready to talk about their journey (and they never have to talk about it!) so having options as self-serve can give them a way to come in, fix themselves a non-alcoholic beverage, and not feel like they have to talk about it.Festive NA options!
Make sure you have great NA options! You can check out my fun NA beverage blog for ideas. Also, this isn’t just for people who aren’t drinking. Lots of people might want your fun NA options. I went to a party with a bunch of NA options and people who were drinking alcohol started asking to try my mocktail. It’s fun!Don’t overthink it.
If you turn from being the host who wants to be mindful about alcohol to being the host who is stressed about it, don’t panic. It’s not helpful! Just make sure you have fun NA options and trust that if someone comes to your home and doesn’t want to drink, you’ll be able to honor them and show them care.Have lots of good protein dense food.
This might be silly to mention, but make sure you have good food that is protein dense. This is obviously a treat for people who aren’t drinking, but it’s also a really good way to care for your friends who are drinking.
HOW TO CARE FOR YOURSELF IF YOU’RE STAYING SOBER DURING THE HOLIDAYS
Set your boundaries.
I always think it is good to remember that you do not have to go. Take a second, upon invitation, to ask yourself if you really want to go. When I was in early sobriety my only bar for success was DO NOT DRINK. If anything felt like it would take me away from my goal, I would not go. I encourage you to give yourself permission to not go if that’s what you need to stay sober.Have a plan.
If you’re going to go to the party, try to make a plan before you go. Maybe you try to go with someone else who is staying sober, for accountability. Or you need to set up a meeting with a therapist, spiritual director, or other healer that day to get a pep talk. I like to give myself an amount of time before I am “allowed” to leave. So, for instance, “I can stay here for 1 hour and then go home if I want to.” I usually end up staying for a while because I’m having fun, but just knowing I only have to be there for an hour makes it feel less challenging, more possible. Only you can know what your “plan” is, but I encourage thinking through it before you go.BYOB.
I definitely suggest bringing a non-alcoholic option with you, just so that if nothing else, you know there’s something you can drink. It’s also totally okay to bring a large YETI cup and not tell anyone what is in it. If they want to think you’re drinking, let ‘em think, it doesn’t really matter as long as you stay sober. Do what you need to do.Exit strategy.
Around the holidays especially we might be traveling and not as aware of what’s available in our surroundings. If possible, I suggest making sure you have an exit strategy for events you go to, so that if you begin to feel triggered you have a way out. Maybe it’s just making sure you have the Uber/Lyft app on your phone with your updated card, ready to go. It could also be choosing to rent a car for your trip when normally you’d just ride with friends to different events. Whatever this means for you, I encourage having an exit strategy if possible.Keep something in your hand.
I learned the hard way that people weren’t incessantly offering me champagne because they wanted me to drink. They were incessantly offering me champagne because we were about to do a toast and they wanted to make sure I had a beverage for the toast. I say this to say: just have something in your hand. Otherwise, the host might keep asking you if you want something because they are trying to be a good host, not because they are trying to make you drink alcohol. I think this reduces anxiety for everyone involved.Know your line.
People might ask you if you want alcohol (although I hope they do self-serve so you can make your mocktail in peace!) and I encourage you to know your line. Maybe it’s “Alcohol has been making me feel rough lately, so I’m taking a break.” Or “I’ve got a ton of stuff to do tomorrow and I have to get up super early, so no booze for me tonight.” Whatever it is, know your line so you can just say it and move on. Trying to figure out a response in the moment might feel too difficult.Remember you have agency.
No matter what, you always have agency. If you’ve accepted the invitation and 5 minutes beforehand you are terrified you might drink at this event, you can just not go. You can ghost people. No disrespect to the people who are inviting you, but you get to treasure your sobriety and hold it as vitally important to your life. Remember that your sobriety means you will be a better friend, partner, [insert identity marker here] to the people around you, and that is worth protecting.First Aid Kit.
Make a First Aid Kit, which is my name for a place where you can “go” to get support if you feel triggered. You can explore this Substack blog and learn how to make your own!Aftercare.
My therapist gave me this wisdom and I love it. She mentioned that I could probably make it through a triggering situation and be okay, but to be mindful about how I would feel after. Days after. She told me to have some resources ready to care for myself the week following the possibly triggering event. I encourage you to have some aftercare options ready for the week following whenever you’re celebrating.
HOW TO STAY MINDFUL ABOUT ALCOHOL IF YOU’RE DRINKING DURING THE HOLIDAYS
Have a plan.
Same as I would suggest to people staying sober, have a plan. How much do you want to drink tonight? How are you going to get home if that doesn’t go as planned? How will you care for yourself tomorrow morning? Just thinking through this brings mindfulness into your relationship with alcohol.Eat before you go.
It sounds really simple, but don’t show up hungry. Some of my clients have found that just showing up to the party full from a meal has reduced their drinking.NA beverage for every alcoholic beverage.
If you’re wanting to have a long, fun night with your friends, consider drinking a non-alcoholic beverage for every alcoholic beverage. If this doesn’t feel feasible, try to just have a few during the night. You might be surprised how much it can help you drink less and wake up tomorrow feeling better.Know your line.
Similar to people who are staying sober, know your line! If someone encourages you to drink more than what you want, how will you respond? Figure out how you will communicate that you want to stay mindful about alcohol before you’re in a situation where that feels necessary. And it doesn’t have to be a big deal, you can be as nonchalant as you like. Just know your line before you need it.Remember you have agency.
Again, just like people who are staying sober, you have agency too! If things don’t feel fun anymore, or you feel tempted to drink more than you really want to, etc. you can leave! Everyone can leave! For an extrovert I am surprisingly down with people leaving parties.Plan for zero drinking days.
If you’re going to be doing quite a few parties during the holidays (it happens!) you might want to look at your calendar and find a few days when you don’t have plans and decide now that those will be no drinking days. These can serve as days when your body can recover from the fact that you might be otherwise spending a few nights drinking back to back.Aftercare.
You also get to have aftercare! Don’t discredit how much energy it takes to change your relationship with alcohol, even if you are still drinking. Have some resources ready to care for yourself the week following whenever drinking mindfully might feel the most difficult.Be kind to yourself.
If you go out and drink more than you expected, please try to be kind to yourself. If you wake up with a hangover, try to greet it with self-care not shame. Shame does not help a hangover and if anything it might cause you to want to drink more, which reinforces the negativity that’s making you struggle to begin with. Try to use self-care in the event of a hangover to get yourself out of a shame spiral.
Love y’all,
EJW
upcoming events
Annual Recovery Retreat for the Episcopal Diocese of Texas — December 1-3 (Camp Allen in Navasota, TX)
Join us in the beautiful East Texas piney woods with activities for renewal, space for rest and fellowship, and insightful teachings! I’ll be offering sessions based on my book, Sober Spirituality, and we’ll enjoy meetings and prayer together. Open to members of all 12 Step Fellowships and their Family and Friends of Recovery.