healing moment: know when to check out and when to check in (erin jean warde)
healing moment: know when to check out and when to check in (erin jean warde)
It’s okay to check out, when staying means you’re going to stay in pain that is harmful. It’s also important to check in, when staying means that the pain comes with the promise to heal.
know when to check out and when to check in
It’s no surprise to this crew that I am on a healing journey through grief. And, to be completely honest, this healing journey has required that I sometimes check out.
As a recovery coach, I talk often about numbing, and how ways of numbing can be really harmful for us, and even compound our challenges. And yet, numbing is a coping skill, so when we are using it as such, it means we are struggling with something that deserves our coping.
But I do see a fine line differentiating checking out and numbing.
Here’s an example: Sometimes, there are moments when my thoughts about my sister’s death are painful, and they send me toward intrusive thoughts. I’m thinking of her, but it’s sending me toward a feeling in my body akin to when I’m watching a disturbing movie and it’s on the edge of crossing the line into being a movie I’m going to turn off. In these moments, I’m not recalling my love for her; I’m filled with a pain that doubles down on my grief, and it provides no exit.
On the other hand, there are moments when the memories of my sister are painful, but healing. I think of a joke we shared, or something about her, and it’s painful because of the loss, but it brings me an important joy. When these types of memories come to the front of my heart, I have the choice to numb out, because they ARE painful, and at the onset, I don’t want to feel any pain at all. But, when possible, I am trying to stay as long as I can, because I know this pain is helping me heal. I know this pain is the pain that comes with love for her, which I wish to hold in my heart.
When it comes to the memories that send me toward intrusive thoughts, they are most prominent at night. They threaten my sleep. This has always been true — before the intrusive thoughts were memories of my sister — and sleep has always been a challenge.
So, I’ve been turning on tv at night, so I can drift off with a more pleasant thought in my mind. In this way, I am checking out. But, when the memories are painful but healing, I’m staying in them. In this way, I am checking in.
It’s okay to check out, when staying means you’re going to stay in pain that is harmful. It’s also important to check in, when staying means that the pain comes with the promise to heal.
And to be clear — I do my fair share of numbing still, as none of us are immune. When the depression hit, I went back to all my old habits — tons of social media (especially TikTok), not eating the food that makes me feel good, etc. And I fully believe I needed this, because I was surviving. I’m grateful for these tools.
But now, I recognize that while I am still making my way through this, these tools are not helping me in my healing, so I’m going to try to come back into balance regarding my time on social media, and I’m adding some more nourishing foods into the mix. And this is part of checking in.
The path forward is not to exist entirely inside pain (whether it be harmful or healing), but instead to just sit in the healing pain a little bit longer, because this pain is trying to love us. The path forward also means loving yourself enough to know when it’s time to check out of destruction.
So, today, I encourage you to compassionately notice how you are checking out and checking in. If you’re checking out of harm, keep doing so. If you’re checking out of healing pain, see if you can stay just 5 seconds longer than usual.
Connect with your soul and learn how it is asking you to stay, and how it asking you to leave, all for the sake of your wholeness.
With love,
EJW
Join me and my friend The Rev. Arianne Rice January 19 at 6:30pm EST/5:30pm CST for How We Cope: Resolutions in Dry January, a FREE virtual event hosted by Episcopal Church of the Good Shepherd-Baltimore!
Join this workshop to explore coping skills, removing shame from how we cope, stories of sober discernment, and spiritual practices to support you as you hold the question: How do I want to be in relationship with alcohol? This workshop is for anyone who is sober curious, or who hopes to explore changing how they cope. Both Arianne and Erin are trained as Certified Daring Way Facilitators, so the whole of this work is defined by reducing shame and embracing wholeheartedness. This event is free, with the opportunity to make an optional donation to Erin Jean Warde via Venmo (@erinjeanwarde). Set aside this time as an opportunity to care for yourself in the comfort of your home.
After registering, you will receive a confirmation email containing information about joining the meeting. We hope to see you there!