I believe in the desire (erin jean warde)
I have to believe my desire is enough, because it is all I have to give — it is the only first step I know how to take. I have to believe it all adds up.
I believe in the desire
For the past month I’ve been preparing to teach a course in November, and I stumbled across the above excerpt from Thomas Merton in one of my books. Naturally, I first thought of someone else and shared it with them, only to return to it, wondering if it might also be for me.
The greatest challenge I’ve been facing in my personal life is how to heal from an exhaustion that has built for the past 5 years (I’m sure y’all are sick of hearing it but, spoiler alert, I am not done talking about it, so my apologies, lol.) And, because of who I am as a person, I know how prone I am to try to think of this as another invitation to fix myself, like this is another project, as if my soul is simply a list of objectives with deliverables.
What new exercise program do I need to join?
Should I take a course about this?
What 11 books should I never read?
On the one hand, I’m so grateful I have the desire to grow, the desire to change, the desire to excavate my life again and again, because this very excavation has uncovered some of my deepest joy. And yet, it’s this desire to grow that makes seasons when I don’t feel motivated toward growth so intensely painful. I’m living in the chasm that exists between my desire to do the practices that might me heal from burnout and the fact that I’m so burned out I struggle to do them. I know there are practices that are healing, practices that are not the flippant “fix me” attempts. But I struggle to parse the two — to know the healing from the fixing.
So then, the idea that my desire might be enough feels impossible, because I’m already living a life in which my desire is not enough, right? And I’m not just a person struggling to embrace healing practices; I’m a coach who helps other people do the very things I can’t.
This is the part where I want to tell you about the new program that fixed me, but those 11 books are still gathering dust. To add insult to injury, I went to a yoga class last week and I didn’t feel different afterward. Last night, I attempted near perfect sleep hygiene and slept horribly. Not exactly motivating. But, can I believe in my desire? Can I believe in the attempt? Can I surrender to the challenge of healing, and abandon the facade of being fixed?
Honestly, I don’t know the way out of this one. Not yet. I think I will figure my way not out of it, but through it. For the time being, I don’t know how to do anything but try. The frustrating nature of care for myself is that there is no fix; I can only stare into the mirror once again and behold whoever looks back. I can only continue to discern between fixing and healing, and when I have the wherewithal, choose healing.
I have to believe my desire is enough, because it is all I have to give — it is the only first step I know how to take. I have to believe it all adds up. I don’t know the way forward, but I think it begins with surrendering to the present while holding hope for the future.
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going…
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
Therefore will I trust in you always
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
With love & care,
EJW
upcoming events
Discerning Sobriety Retreat — October 27 & 28 (Bellwether Farm in Wakeman, OH)
Join us for a 24-hour retreat exploring tools to help you dig into your relationship with addictive choices, coping, joy, and more. Erin Jean Warde, ordained Episcopal priest and author of Sober Spirituality, will share the personal journey which led her to quit alcohol. She will provide additional tools to help each participant explore a more mindful relationship with our substance misuse and dependencies and the richer sobrieties we might seek or experience.
Sober Spirituality: Discerning Our Relationship with Alcohol Online Course — November 8-January 31 (Stevenson School for Ministry)
Join the Rev. Erin Jean Warde in a 10-week discernment of how we are in relationship with alcohol. In this course, the discernment will be both interior and exterior, as you learn more about alcohol in the global and cultural context, and are given tools to look inward spiritually. You'll explore how alcohol affects us in mind, body, and soul, such that you will be encouraged to get prayerfully curious about how drinking shows up in your life, while trusting how the Spirit leads you into answering the question: How do I want to be in relationship with alcohol? This course will engage spiritual reflection and practical theology, as it covers how alcohol affects a variety of aspects of life and faith, such as: cultural norms, its use in religious spaces, hospitality, embodiment, trauma, social justice, releasing judgment around substances, and caring for those who struggle in their relationship with alcohol.
This course will be offered via Zoom on Wednesdays from 5:30-6:30 pm EST, beginning November 8, 2023 and ending January 31, 2024 (with breaks for holidays). The course can be taken for credit as a part of the Stevenson School for Ministry for $300. It can also be taken as a continuing education class that allows you to sit in on classes, participate in conversations, and no assignment submission is needed for $150.
Annual Recovery Retreat for the Episcopal Diocese of Texas — December 1-3 (Camp Allen in Navasota, TX)
Join us in the beautiful East Texas piney woods with activities for renewal, space for rest and fellowship, and insightful teachings! I’ll be offering sessions based on my book, Sober Spirituality, and we’ll enjoy meetings and prayer together. Open to members of all 12 Step Fellowships and their Family and Friends of Recovery.
podcasts & articles
Sober Spirituality with Erin Jean Warde (Soberful Podcast)
Enjoy my conversation with Veronica Valli, in which we explore the role of alcohol in religion and how it has been misrepresented, what spirituality means, faith-based recovery, and more. Take some time to explore the full podcast, an incredible resource from Veronica & Chip.
A Few Minutes With… The Rev. Erin Jean Warde (Matt Rhodes)
I was delighted to be a guest on Matt Rhodes’ podcast to talk about Sober Spirituality and more. There was a bit of an audio/volume issue, so please note you can watch the episode with captions on YouTube. Enjoy!