I was trying (erin jean warde)
"Sometimes grace is a ribbon of mountain air that gets in through the cracks." --Anne Lamott
inspiration
"Sometimes grace is a ribbon of mountain air that gets in through the cracks."
–Anne Lamott
reflection
Today I am sharing an older post, previously behind the paywall. I hope it offers you some comfort & care. <3
Sometimes I look back to try to remember the earliest days of my sober curiosity. I never thought I’d begin to forget it, but I sometimes slip away from it, and I try to return. Often when I look back, I am missing it in a way I never thought I would. It was so difficult, but the way I was awakening to myself was so precious, in a way I couldn’t see at the time. I see that preciousness so, so clearly now that I look back almost wistfully, wondering if I’ll ever be able to be in a state like that, a state of such wonder. It’s interesting to look back so positively now, because the thought of those early, struggling days used to bring me deep shame. Sure, I still look back sometimes and wince, but not like I used to. One time, long ago, I remembered something I had done while I was still drinking (but sober curious), and I physically felt myself slip almost out of my chair. Just the fleeting memory had brought such a weight to my stomach that it threatened to take me to the ground.
That was back in the early earliest days, the days when I would string together 2 days, sometimes 3, but that was it. And even after 2 to 3 days, I would sometimes wait weeks to try again, then get to 3. Rinse and repeat. I never gave myself credit for those movements through the cycle, even though each time I was doing something I didn’t have to do, caring for myself in a way I could have avoided. Then, I tried my first “real” (they were all real, but this is what I told myself) stint of sobriety. I went for 40 days, reading meditations, and it was Lent, so I used that as a buffer. And it was so, so hard. I just remember each day thinking, “This is exactly the path for my life and also it is awful.” I drank on the 41st day. I spent the last 10 just counting down to day 40, so I could finally go out and drink on day 41. I remember day 42 too clearly, especially given the night before. My memory so often lost the night, but it never lost the mornings, and the ways I would wake up and speak to myself so poorly. Back then, I was ashamed of myself for drinking again. Now, I’m grieving that I was so cruel to myself.
When I experience feelings of shame about my past, I have to return to the root of the gifts I received through sobriety: self-compassion, remembering my belovedness, coming home to myself. If I think back and feel shame, I repeat to myself over and over again: She was trying. She was trying. She was trying. And trying matters. I will, for the rest of my life, just be trying. My sobriety today is not unlike my first moments of wondering about my relationship with alcohol: She was trying, she is trying, she will keep trying.
I hope you know that, no matter how you feel today, you are trying. Trying matters. Trying is enough. Trying is the most you can do. Trying is the most any of us can do. You are held tenderly as you try. And if you can only try to do one thing today, try to root yourself in self-compassion, remembering your belovedness, and coming home to yourself.
With love,
EJW
gather the inklings coaching
I’m excited to launch a new coaching program! This program is not recovery specific, instead it focuses on exploring the areas of your life where you feel an inkling of curiosity, a desire for change, or feel stuck and need momentum. This coaching provides:
JOURNEY BASED ON YOUR SPECIFIC NEEDS — Our first session is a 30 minute consultation, which will help me craft a journey for you.
1:1 CALLS EVERY WEEK — After the consultation, we will meet for 1 hour each week for the duration of your package — 4 weeks if you purchase one month, or 12 weeks if you purchase the 3 month bundle.
COMPASSIONATE ENCOURAGEMENT & GOAL SETTING — I believe self-compassion is truly the foundation of identity work. Additionally, each week we will set goals, which serve as encouragement through accountability.
WORKBOOK — At the end of each 4 week period, I will provide a PDF workbook gathering the tools and insights from our time together.
If you have questions, just reply to this e-mail. :)
recovery coaching — rates changing 10/17
Friends, My rates for Recovery Coaching will be changing as of Monday, October 17 to $520 for the four week 1 hour package and $260 for the four week 30 minute package.
That said, I have 3 spots left if you’d like to sign up now at the current price. I would love to work with you!
On Monday, October 17 I will also offer 3 months of four week 1 hour recovery coaching for $1460 paid in full up front and 3 months of four week 30 minute recovery coaching for $730 paid in full up front, which will be a way to save by making a long term commitment to the process!
discerning sobriety course
My course — Discerning Sobriety — guides you as you reflect on the role of alcohol in your life, through 20 lessons and 20 spiritual practices. Discerning Sobriety is for the sober curious, anyone who wants to bring mindfulness into their relationship with alcohol, and people in recovery. You will receive one email every day for 40 days, leading you through a spiritual listening (discernment!) process, as you connect with mind, body, and soul.
pre-order my book
get my book — it comes out April 2023! 🤩
This is so moving and beautifully written. 💙