On dreams, grief, & earth (Erin Jean Warde)

May we all care for the earth and her people right now, through finding the pieces and parcels where we can do the most good, and offer the most love, both around us and far from us.

My sweet kitty Pip.

On dreams, grief, & pain

Hey y’all,

I promise we will spend October delving into the richness of the season, through what I hope is an interesting and important look at history and more. But for today, our ethereal, autumnal, and mystical journey into the season begins with dreams, creatures, and earth. This isn’t what I had originally planned, but it feels important for me. Thank you for listening. <3

Monday during the hours of darkness, I had a nightmare. I re-lived the passing of one of my pets, from when I was a child. There’s something about the dream world that feels very viscerally real and intense for me. Oddly enough, I don’t always remember my dreams, but when I have these sorts of dreams—the intense, viscerally painful ones—I always remember them.

I actually woke up crying into my pillow.

I’ve had similar dream experiences, but in a different way. I lost someone I love to suicide and I occasionally have dreams where we are spending time together. It feels, in the dream-moment, like a good dream. My dream self, in these instances, doesn’t know they are dead. I wake up and I feel a sense of happiness, like you might feel after you’ve spent time with someone you love but haven’t seen in ages. But, as I move further from dream world and into the fullness of present reality, it hits me: they are dead. Every single time, I begin to cry. It’s like I have just learned they passed, even though it’s been many years. The dream itself feels nice, but the reality upon waking is a living nightmare.

I have heard about people who say they’ve been “visited” by people in their dreams. Only this week, after decades of these dreams, did I begin to wonder: Have I been visited, too? Are these instances “visitations”? I’ve also asked God for visitations, for the chance to try to see someone in my dreams that I miss, to no avail. It might not surprise you that I have asked God many times to see my sister again, in the dream world. I have yet to be given this blessing.

That nightmare, amidst the greater pain of the world right now, hit me very hard. I have already been feeling deep pain for the past week, after watching the wreckage of Helene, grieving for the people who have lost everything, and worrying about so much.

But Tuesday morning, I awoke crying on my pillow, and even after those tears, a new pain and fear emerged.

A few hours after waking up from my nightmare, I went to scoop the litter box and found blood. I was able to track it to my cat, Pip. I was able to find a vet who could give us an appointment that same day, Tuesday. I knew I couldn’t even begin to afford the bill, but for anyone new to me, my cats are my family. I genuinely feel like part of my calling as a Christian is to be a good steward of the earth and all of God’s creation, and a very personal way I try to live into that is through my cats, all of whom are rescues. They are very important to me. So of course, upon the sight of blood, the vet appointment was made.

In this instance, that dream I had Monday night—a nightmare in which I feared for the life of a pet—became a present nightmare, too.

I know there is much happening right now. I can’t put into words how deeply I’ve been grieving for Appalachia, Georgia, Florida, everywhere that has been wrecked by Helene. I promise I am holding that in my heart. I have been sharing as much as I can on social media. I am praying for them and trying to figure out how I can help.

But, I needed to hold my cat Pip in my heart, too. I had to pray for Pip, too.

I spend a lot of time telling people that grief is not competitive. I think it’s very human, but a lot of us will try to both name our pain, but also downplay it because “someone else surely has it worse.” And the truth is, I know plenty of people have it worse than me, and I won’t forget them. And also, I am allowed to love and care for my pets. Both of these things can be true.

I pray both of these things can be true.

I don’t know what might have visited me in my dreams Monday night, but I know it awakened grief and tenderness in me, especially tenderness toward my pets (as if I didn’t already have enough), both those deeply loved from the past, whom I see no longer, and those that are here with me now. Tuesday was a really, really hard day.

But, I awoke from the living nightmare, too.

The vet trip went much better than I feared. The vet did an exam, fecal test, and I was told that Pip has what can best be described as a “stress induced tummy bug.” He was sent home with an otherwise clean bill of health, antibiotics, and probiotics. Given the circumstances, this was and is still truly the best case scenario.

I’m trying to both hold the even deeper tenderness awakened within me from my nightmare, alongside the profound gift of hope I was given. I’m trying to acknowledge that my life is not the worst it can be, but even still, I have been offered this blessed gift of not having to fear Pip’s death.

It’s not lost on me that this is the week of the year when Episcopal churches tend to offer the blessing of the pets to honor St. Francis. It will shock no one that I love the blessing of the pets. I am going to my church’s service this Sunday, but to be honest, I feel like I have already received my blessing simply in having Pip (and his two buddies, Penny & Gigi).

I don’t know who might visit me in the night, and I’d love to better understand why I have these experiences within my dreams that bleed so clearly into my waking life. But for right now, I will say prayers of gratitude for Pip’s health restored, and focus my energy toward praying for and sharing as much as I can to support those who are suffering after Helene.

Honoring the life of St. Francis means honoring my call to care for the earth and all of creation. I will do everything in my power to care for the earth that sits underneath the rubble, wherever rubble is to be found, and I will try to love the creatures entrusted to my care of every kind: dirt, cat, or person.

May we all care for the earth and her people right now, through finding the pieces and parcels where we can do the most good, and offer the most love, both around us and far from us. May we remember we are one humanity, one human family, joined to one another, sharing this one earth and all creation.

With love & care,
EJW

CHAOS LAND: THE OCTOBER SPIRAL

To honor all the autumnal energy of October, we’ll chaotically explore:

• the history of the Salem Witch Trials

• fun seasonal stuff more broadly (like movies, tv, etc.)

• how “witch hunts” still happen today

• … & more! (Send me any of your ideas as I’d love to incorporate your wisdom into the month.)

FREE SUBSCRIBERS

• You’ll receive reflections throughout the month of October on our topic. I’m excited to explore my trip to Salem in January & what I learned there, pop culture, & more! (THIS IS MY FAVORITE SEASON IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW, lol.)

• The comments section is always open & I hope you’ll chime in! Hearing from y’all is the best part of being here. <3

PAID SUBSCRIBERS

• You’ll receive your “syllabus” with links to written texts, podcasts, movies & tv, and articles & resources next week to inspire you! This allows you to really dive deep into the spiral OR just pick a few points of interest to enjoy. (You can choose whichever level of engagement works best for you right now! That’s the point!) YOU’LL RECEIVE THIS EARLY NEXT WEEK. <3

• I’ll post discussion prompts to dig deeper into the focus. Expect these to—like our topic!—range from being a fun celebration of the Halloween season to helping us reckon with injustice.

• Early in October we’ll have our Highs & Lows processing call. This is a time to bring your chaos into community & receive support. <3

• Near the end of the month, we’ll have an Autumn/Halloween Party to explore our topic! (I’ll share live call dates & times in your syllabus early next week!)

If you’re currently a free subscriber & wanna join us for October’s syllabus, discussion, & live calls, we would love to have you. <3

Coaching

If you’re moving into this fall semester and hoping to change your relationship with alcohol, I’d love to work with you as your recovery coach. This is for anyone who wants to change their relationship with alcohol, whether that’s cutting back, quitting completely, or maintaining sobriety.

Not wanting to focus specifically on alcohol, but want support finding positive coping tools? Feeling stuck in habits you’d like to change? I’d love to support you as you find great coping tools. <3

Spiritual Direction

If you’re seeking long term spiritual support, I’d love to hold space for you as your spiritual director. Supporting people in their spiritual lives is one of the deep joys of my life. I have supported people spiritually through deconstruction, daily life, seminary, grief, the big questions of life, the ordination process, sobriety, and more. I’m also LGBTQIA+ inclusive. If you’re hoping for a companion along the way, I’d love to be a companion to you, as your spiritual director.