order and chaos (erin jean warde)

If you’re feeling “off” right now, I gently encourage you to consider that you may be on the path that is set for you. And may you seek and find the hope, inspiration, and support you need.

order and chaos

It will never cease to amaze me how hard it takes to get things in order, compared to how quickly things can turn to chaos. Now, to be clear, I am a chaos person — so I always lean toward chaos. But chaos people aren’t necessarily completely without order, we just happen to have a different way we order things. There’s a method to my madness, etc etc. Until even I don’t think there is a method to my madness, because it’s starting to just look like general, unorganized madness. That’s when I know things need to change.

You see, I am the queen of “getting off track.” (Which comes with its fair share of shame.) Then, it’s hard to get back on track, so I struggle in my off-ness, trying to get the motivation to get back into the rhythms I know are best for my mind, body, and soul. I’ll know what I need to do, but I can’t seem to do it.

The “getting off track” could be a variety of things — any amount of travel, big life shifts, illness, interruptions in my weekly schedule, external emotional stress, and more.

And of course, my mental health. Because, let’s face it, when I’m struggling with depression, or feeling fully in the spin of anxiety, the idea of putting the effort into “getting back on track” can feel impossible. I can spend weeks wishing I had the energy to get back on track, but not being able to conjure up the motivation. This is when I often find that outside forces are the most important support I need.

This Sunday I went to a workshop with Tracy Benjamin on Meal Prep as Creative Ritual, hosted by my friend Tammi Salas. It was so interesting to think of meal prep (in whatever way works best for you!) as an act of self-care, and even an act of creativity. I started to wonder if this could become a fun thing I do every weekend, not a chore I dread. As the minutes went by of the workshop, I got more and more inspired.

I had to cut away and go to an event — and I feared I’d lose my motivation because that’s how quickly I can lose my motivation, lol — but I didn’t. Monday I came right back to it, and I deep cleaned my refrigerator. It wasn’t too terrible to begin with, but there were items I just never liked that I needed to throw out. I also tossed things in the pantry. (I’m not promoting food waste! But if I don’t like that salad dressing today, it isn’t going to become more appealing every day it sits in my refrigerator unused.)

It was important for me to recognize that while aesthetics can become a negative thing — like judging others for how their home looks, lacking in enough compassion to acknowledge how things get messy and that’s just life, holding ourselves to toxic standards, etc — they can also be very helpful for me. Yes, I am chaos, but I do like my order. I like having that method to my madness. Chaos is one thing, pure madness is another, and I need my order to have chaos, I’m learning.

Now, when I open my refrigerator, it’s a much more positive experience. Whether we realize it or not, stress accumulates in many different ways. So the seemingly “small” act of cleaning out my refrigerator does seem to be reducing some stress, even though it is stress I didn’t notice before. And all stress reduction is good stress reduction.

But part of getting “back on track,” for me, is the simultaneous reminder that if I were to be honest, the “track” I’m on doesn’t actually allow for being off. I’m always on this track, but how being on track looks in my life? That’s what varies. It’s the navigation of the track that needs support.

Because the actual track of my life winds through seasons of productivity, depression, consistent rhythms, and seasons when I’m just trying to meet my basic needs. So, it’s not so much that I’m ever “off track,” but instead, finding myself in a very natural season of my life — because feeling like we’re “off”? That’s natural too. What this feeling looks like for different people in their lives varies, but I would offer that we are all navigating the reality of the seasons of human experience, which naturally bring shifts in what’s possible for us during that time. Yes, we’re all on track, but we have to figure out what being on this track means for us right now.

And that means figuring out what support we need as we go down this track right now. I needed a workshop to give me some inspiration. Now, I need to keep this energy as I prepare to move, because I have a ton more things I need to get rid of! I’ll have to keep finding the inspiration and support I need as I keep going down this track.

And when I inevitably feel like I’m “off” again — it’ll be after the move, like clockwork — I’ll pause and try to remind myself that I’m actually still on track, but the track is looking different now, and that’s natural.

If you’re feeling “off” right now, I gently encourage you to consider that you may be on the path that is set for you. And may you seek and find the hope, inspiration, and support you need as you stay this course.

With love & care,
EJW

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