reverencing my body's fragility with tears (erin jean warde)
"This is our task also: to learn to see our bodies and the bodies of others through the eyes of God." -Stephanie Paulsell
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today’s post is a reflection I wrote for the paid community a while back, with some edits. I needed this word for myself, and I hope it offers something to you, too. <3
inspiration
“Whenever Jesus patted mud into the eyes of someone who could not see, or touched a leper, or sat at the bedside of the sick and dying, he taught those around him how God sees and honors the body. But in the course of his ministry, he also received care from those who could see as God sees. Once a woman entered a house where Jesus was having supper and began weeping over his feet and wiping them dry with her hair. His host wondered what sort of prophet Jesus could be if he didn’t know what sort of woman this was, if he would allow himself to be touched by a woman whose long, loose hair announced her sin. And when Mary of Bethany poured out a pound of perfume and rubbed it into Jesus’ feet, Judas Iscariot was scandalized by what he believed to be the waste of resources. But these women did not see with the eyes of those who despise the bodies of the marginalized nor with the eyes of those for whom value could only be measured in money. They looked on Jesus’ body with the eyes of God: they knew how he was made. They remembered he was dust. They knew that he had come from God and that he was going to God. And so they honored his body with perfume and reverenced his body’s fragility with tears. This is our task also: to learn to see our bodies and the bodies of others through the eyes of God. To learn to see the body as both fragile and deeply blessed. To remember the body’s vulnerability and to rejoice in the body as a sign of God’s gracious bounty.”
–Stephanie Paulsell, from Honoring the Body: Meditations on a Christian Practice*
caring for my body
When I was drinking, I woke up each morning with a map of bruises covering my legs. My thighs held purple that told of histories I could not remember. I would, during a night of drinking, make my way up and down stairs, to either get more wine or more snacks, then return to the television. I would, along the way, bump my body and not even feel the collision. I wrote off this way of life as me being “clumsy,” which is true about me! I am still clumsy to this day. However, it wasn’t just that I was clumsy. Each night, I lost connection with my body. I did not intentionally drink to escape my body, but in retrospect I realize that the dangerous thoughts of my mind were inside my body, and I threw the baby out with the bathwater every chance I could get.
Sobriety has been a tumultuous and beautiful experience of trying to get to know my body again. In the clarity sobriety provides I was able to finally see how my body is worthy of care, because I believe we are made in the image of the Divine, called Good in our creation, beloved when we can’t imagine a cell of belovedness in our skin. I am not trying to escape my body the way I once did, I am trying to sit with my body the way I couldn’t before, give my body a compliment instead of the snide remarks my body is used to. I struggle with this, so so much, and I write this from a place of trying. I write this because I am trying simple, small acts that I believe are building a large, vast reserve of loving-kindness from which I can draw the energy to love my body when it feels impossible.
Here are some of the small ways I am slowly showing up to my body:
Paying attention. When I was drinking mindlessly, I didn’t have the capacity to pay attention to what my body asked for, whether it was hunger, laughter, companionship, or sleep. Now, though I’m not perfect at it, I am trying to pause when I have a craving of any sort, for any thing, to consciously respond to it in a way that is loving toward myself. I often place my hand on my heart, as a way to anchor into mindfulness, a way to try to receive the wisdom of my body.
Small moments of care. I don’t have any grandiose practices to care for my body, but I try to stay faithful to small ones. This is often as simple as taking the time to put aromatherapy lotion on my hands, then cupping my hands around my nose for a deep inhale. It also looks like taking a bath, doing my morning and night time skin care routine (doesn’t have to be intricate!), putting chap stick on, etc. These are small ways I choose to take a moment to care for my body.
Trusting myself. I get really lost in what care “should” look like, and that never helps me relax. I am learning it is much more important for me to trust myself, trust that I know what I want to do. Sometimes it’s going for a walk, other times it’s lounging on the sofa, sometimes I need to just go to bed, or sometimes I need to quickly put on some lotion because my skin feels dry. Akin to paying attention, I’m learning to trust that I know what my body is asking for, and that I can respond out of that intuition.
Something is better than nothing. I can shame myself into not doing body care “right,” which never helps. Instead of prioritizing doing things “right,” I prioritize making the next best decision. Sometimes, I choose to go to the store and walk around to shop vs. ordering online, because it will get me up and moving. Other times, I need to get convenience food for the week, but I make sure to get steamable vegetables too, so I have a more balanced meal. I know I won’t eat breakfast if there is really any barrier to entry, so I buy pre-made, fully mixed, just open the bottle and drink breakfast shakes so I don’t skip a meal. In terms of body care, something is better than nothing. Be gentle with yourself and do your best.
Profound grace. Shame never helps us care for ourselves, so the most loving response to ourselves and our bodies is grace. Like trusting myself, I can call on my intuition and loving words from the Spirit to return to grace toward myself, regardless of how I am in relationship with my body today.
There are many practices we can try to help us sit with our bodies, these are only a few ways to think about it and practices that have helped, and are helping, me personally. Body care, like sobriety and spirituality, won’t ever be “done,” it is lifelong work, and I pray you can embrace being a lifelong learner of how to love and care for your body. May you receive this as a reminder of your belovedness.
A note on chronic pain: I have chronic pain and I do not ever want to diminish the very real challenges of dealing with pain. Sometimes it is very hard for me to love my body, because it is in pain. My hope — for myself — is that I can still try to come back to a place of loving myself. I resonate with the idea of honoring my body “with perfume” and reverencing my “body’s fragility with tears.” That is, not ignoring my body in its pain, or trying to understand my experience of being in a body as always positive, when it has very challenging realities, but even in those challenges, trying to gift it with the tenderness of a precious perfume. <3
join book club
Join us in the paid community as we read How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy!* I’m enjoying this book so much — we will be reflecting on everything from rest, what occupies our attention, social media, insights from recovery, and more. Book club reflections are weekly for paid subscribers. If you’re interested, subscribe for $7/month, pay annually, or become a founding member. <3
We will spend 8 weeks with this book, covering a chapter per week, including the introduction & conclusion. This week we are reading Chapter 1: The Case for Nothing.
discerning sobriety course — now via e-mail!
I moved my course — Discerning Sobriety — over to an email format, to try to better support participants. This format puts content directly into your inbox! You will receive one email every day for 40 days, leading you through a process of connecting with your mind, body, and soul, as you explore your relationship with alcohol. The journey includes 20 lessons and 20 spiritual practices. Sign up to take the course now!
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