Still, I Am Grateful (Erin Jean Warde)
What I’m learning is that I can only be here, wherever I am in my life right now, with whatever resources I have right now, doing my best.
Still, I Am Grateful
Friends,
So, last Monday I wrote a post for you beautiful people, and I scheduled it to send on Tuesday. The post was about how I had gotten sick, and how I was focusing energy on my wellness after a prolonged season of depression via grief, as well as the recent health challenges just from early May. I was reflecting back on illness, how it had passed, and how I was moving forward.
Well, what a hilarious post to think about now, given how last week went. You received the post on Tuesday, the day I woke up feeling “off,” chalking it up to the residual “off-ness” that comes with an allergy cold (you know how they drag a little?). However, as the day went on, even just within the morning, I felt… more off. I made it through my work calls, but by the end of them, I had started feeling an ache in my body that was new — something I hadn’t felt with my allergy cold.
A note about me: I run hot. I am always a little warm and I absolutely HATE feeling like a place is stuffy. When I go to bed at night, the thermostat is in the 60s, and if I could afford the bill, my home would always be in the 60s. Period.
Well, on Tuesday, after a few calls, with my brand new body aches, I found myself shivering. I went to the thermostat to turn it up a few degrees, because it had just gotten way too cold in the apartment, when I read the writing literally on the wall — 73. When EJW is shivering and it’s 73 degrees, we got problems.
This started my Spring 2024 Tour de Flu. I spent the remainder of Tuesday all the way to Friday in bed. Like, just in bed. I had a 4 day fever dream, which I do not recommend. I couldn’t believe it — I was sick again.
Saturday and Sunday, I did not have fever, but I was exhausted beyond measure. By Monday, I felt like a human again, and got back into the swing of things.
In short, the first 20 days of May were pretty much marked by illness. It’s been a really rough month. The goal now is, of course, to get well, and to figure out how I can strengthen my immune system, so I have an enjoyable summer.
This week, I’ve been noticing how grateful I am. It’s amazing how wellness after illness can do that. For weeks now, my mind has been clouded with the pains of my body, not giving my soul the space it could use to have curiosity and wonder. And my mind, unfortunately connected to my body (lol), has suffered pains alongside the rest of it, because whenever I’m sick, my mental health follows suit.
But now, I’m out of bed. After Tuesday through Friday of being shrouded in covers, or throwing them off because my fever flipped from cold to hot, I am now sitting on my sofa, by the window that looks down at the trees.
I’m an apartment dweller, which is always such a gamble. And, to make matters worse, I was not able to get an apartment with a balcony. I remember signing the lease and thinking, “A studio apartment with no balcony? Am I going to feel trapped inside a 550 square foot cage?”
But my apartment has this big, three paned window. It’s not the largest window in the world, but it’s big enough. And, the best part — the view means I can looks out and see trees. My greatest fear was that my view would be cars, but instead, I see a courtyard with trees.
In Nashville, the cicadas are going haywire (and they’re experiencing a lot of chaos in their personal lives, so I don’t judge them for their actions). They’re truly all over the place and screaming constantly. But I love it. I love how loud the sounds of nature are right now, with my big windows open, the sun on my skin, the cool spring breeze as faithful to touch me as the sun.
Yesterday I was trying to describe the view from my apartment to my health coach, and as I looked over toward it, a red flash of cardinal darted across the sky. And right now, I see a robin hopping across the courtyard deck. I live in the city, but I have these serene, beautiful moments, and I’m cherishing them after weeks of not being able to make it past my illness to see my blessing.
But it’s not just serene. The cicadas, in all their chaos, keep popping up on my windows, which is offering almost constant entertainment for the cats… and me, as I watch the cats. Watching them pounce, do their little cat chirps, and stare wistfully into the plague of cicadas has been making me laugh multiple times a day.
Confession: some real spiritual issues I’m struggling with right now are comparison and resentfulness. Money has been a challenge for my whole life, and I often find myself stuck in the mental space of resentfulness, because I see other people going on retreats and vacations that I just can’t provide for myself right now. But what I’m learning is that I can only be here, wherever I am in my life right now, with whatever resources I have right now, doing my best. And I want all of those things for other people the way I want them for me, so I can hold gratitude for someone else’s rest, even if it feels like I can’t receive it for myself, in that way.
If I can’t go on a retreat or vacation, I’ll try to make a retreat or vacation out of whatever tools are available. Because even when I don’t have some things, I also have so, so many things. I’m trying, amidst whatever challenges I face, to still be grateful.
I’m finally not sick.
Sunshine is on my skin.
My mother is doing okay.
I can hear the sounds of nature.
I am alive.
My cats are not sick and they are silly.
I have deep friendships.
There is food in my pantry.
I’m drinking coffee.
I have fresh water to drink.
Even when I don’t have some things, I also have so, so many things. I pray that, no matter what you are facing right now, there are some blessings you can count, some joy you can experience, some love you can cherish.
With love & care,
EJW
🚨Summer Coaching DEAL🚨
Hey y’all, after a month almost entirely defined by illness, I’m a little behind on cash flow for my budgeting. So my thought is — what if we helped each other?
Between now and the end of May (5/31), any coaching package you buy includes FIVE coaching sessions (instead of 4)!
Once you sign up, I’ll contact you and we can begin scheduling sessions as early as the week of June 3. :)
Wanna make a commitment to this coaching journey? If you buy 2 packages, that will count as TEN sessions!
My greatest hope is that we help each other. If you’ve been thinking about coaching, but could really use more support, I hope this offers you more support, and me the cash I need to keep a roof over my cats’ heads food in my cats’ bellies (the most important priority of course, lol).
If you have any questions, reply to this e-mail and I’ll get back to you ASAP.
As always, grateful for you and your continued support. It means the world. <3