the anxiety system (erin jean warde)
Today’s art is “Anxiety” by Edvard Munch.
inspiration
"Sabbath is about withdrawal from the anxiety system of Pharaoh, the refusal to let one's life be defined by production and consumption and the endless pursuit of private well-being."
—Walter Brueggemann
contemplation
I feel redundant — like I wish I could talk about something other than rest — but it is all I have in me. I’m struck by the words of Brueggemann, how they speak not just into my need for Sabbath, but into how I can move away from the mental barriers I place between myself and my soul’s need to slow down.
I have felt, more than ever before in my life, the weight of the production, the consumption, the endless pursuit of private well-being, and how so much of this world we live in doesn’t care about our well-being at all. I mentioned this in last week’s post, but I’m trying to figure out some meal plans that honor my health challenges, while honoring how my self-employed life is not wildly lucrative. While some health challenges are not yet clear, I struggle with chronic migraines, intense fatigue, ADD, and how some of my medicines have made me struggle to have an appetite. These challenges mixed together result in food being a major stressor (and of course I am supposed to reduce stressors, lol). I have many creature comforts, so I’m working on setting up a delicate system for myself composed of meal kits, groceries from the store, etc. to get the foods I need with less of a mental strain, though it’s a stretch (and yet still somehow less taxing than food before I created the system).
As I was crunching the numbers, I began to feel guilty for the privilege I do have and also afraid, because I know I may not be able to do this for long. There always seems to be a point when I’m trying to give myself the different supplements and medicines I need to thrive, but I end up having to stop, because I can no longer afford it. In these times, the health issues certainly persist, and often grow worse because I’ve lost the ways I care for myself, but it doesn’t matter. Caught between the guilt and the fear, I became overwhelmed by the reality of a culture that has made nutrients a luxury. It’s not that I shouldn’t pursue my well-being, it’s that everyone should be able to pursue their well-being, but we’ve created a world where that pursuit of well-being is considered private, and when we privatize human rights we always sell them to the highest bidder.
That is only a small vignette showing how I feel caught in this fatal mix of production, consumption, and the corruption of well-being. And the fatal mix is a huge part of what has led me into this burnout that seeks deep rest, a deep rest that — in the chaos of the fatal mix — feels impossible to grasp, but also necessary to survive. A world that has sold human rights to the highest bidder will never lead us into deep rest, because the anxiety system cannot keep fueling production and consumption if it loses the cogs in the wheel, which is who we are to a system created without our well-being in mind.
And that’s exactly why rest is liberation, not laziness, because it’s the opportunity to remove a cog in the wheel from the anxiety system — our minds, bodies, and souls — even if only for a minute, an hour, a day. Rest troubles the anxiety system, because it gives it less power, less workers, less of a chance to turn a profit off our soul’s loss.
Rest is not a fix all for the ills of our world’s anxiety system, and the entirety of ending this system should not rest on our backs. Rest is, first and foremost, worthy of being done just for rest’s sake. But it helps me, when I fear rest will stoke my anxiety, will leave me without, will trouble my means of survival, to remember rest leads me out of the anxiety system, it gives instead of taking away, and it allows me to survive.
Yes, I still have to put food on the table to feed myself, but if I can just step away from the anxiety system — even if only for a minute, an hour, a day — it will lose some power, because my power will be given to the fruits of life worthy of receiving me: my God, my self, my joys, my passions, my loves, my belief in a shared well-being.
reflection
is there any way you could step away from the anxiety system, even if only for a minute?
what are the fruits of life worthy of receiving you?
programs & offerings
〰 I am available for more 1:1 coaching clients, sign up anytime!
〰 book club coming soon — read more below!
interests & joys
〰 I’m currently living off meal kits and tools to keep myself healthy, if those can be considered interests & joys
〰 thanks to my dear friend Joseph I am now marathoning Criminal Minds, and it should tell you everything that that’s how I’m decompressing at the end of these rough days lol
book club — starting the week of July 4th
starting in July, my paid subscriber posts will be focused around 40-Day Journey with Howard Thurman. technically we are “reading it together,” but you don’t have to read the book to gain insight into the text and points of personal reflection. my hope is that us “reading together” makes this more of a community than disparate weekly essays. here’s what you need to know:
〰 the reflections will be sent to people on the paid subscriber list, which costs $7 per month. you can subscribe just for the month if it’s a book you’re interested in, then downgrade back to free anytime. regardless, you’ll continue to get these free weekly reflections. also, if this feels especially helpful for you right now but you don’t have the cash, reach out and I’m happy to gift you a subscription. <3
〰 subscribe on July 1st to maximize your 1 month membership. it won’t cover the whole series, because it is 40 days, but you’ll get the most out of that monthly cost!
〰 reading schedule — I’ll be reading each day starting with July 1st (okay let’s be honest: I will catch up every few days!), so the week of July 4th will cover an intro and the days previous, and so on and so forth, with reflections ending the week of August 8th, which gets us through all 40 days. we will begin a new book after that, though I might give us a week off to rest after finishing it. :) in short: read one every day, or read at your own pace, and just know you’ll receive a reflection on Howard Thurman’s work for 6 weeks, starting the week of July 4th.
〰 there will be a comments section where we can chime in and have some conversation.
〰 I’m pausing weekly paid posts until the week of July 4th.
a note about religious language — I know many of the people who follow my work do not ascribe to Christianity, and I’m immensely blessed by my relationships with people who believe differently than me. While this book does include scripture references and Thurman’s understanding of spirituality is Christian, I believe there is a depth of wisdom for all within his work. I also ascribe to the belief that we can take what works and leave the rest. That said, if Christian language is triggering for you, this may not be a book you wish to read. And there will be more books in the future. <3
I hope you’ll join us for the journey with Howard Thurman, but regardless, you’ll continue to get these e-mails!